How to Be Less Critical & More Encouraging

I can be critical of others. For a long time, criticism has been one of the ways I have tried to protect myself. I am usually positive and encouraging with clients and people I do not know well, but I can become more negative with close friends and family. At its core, I do not want to get hurt again. 

The problem is that negativity pushes people away and keeps them at a safe distance. It may have served a purpose, but it is not a healthy way to live. It has also contributed to loneliness in my life.

In this episode of the Decide Your Legacy podcast, I share practical antidotes to criticism and ways to shift your mindset, strengthen your relationships, and respond to others with greater understanding and encouragement.

5 Ways to Be Less Critical

1. Count the Consequences

Count the costs of being a critical person over the long term. How will this impact my relationships with family and friends? Play it forward 5 or 10 years, and judgmental people end up isolated, lonely, and avoided. It's tough to be friends with this kind of person. Who wants to get too close to someone who consistently points out faults? Get it now.

2. Focus on Gratitude

I can't be critical of someone and grateful for them at the same time, just like I can't be happy and depressed simultaneously. These emotional states are mutually exclusive. The gratitude I feel towards others forces out my negativity. Answer these questions about someone you are tempted to criticize.

1. What traits do I appreciate about this person?
2. What are their unique skills and talents?
3. How is my life better because this person is in it?
4. What positive memories do I have with them?

3. Question Your Own Motives

It's hard to know the difference between criticism and feedback. The motive behind criticism is self-protection, while the motive behind constructive feedback is to genuinely help someone. If my motive is to one-up and push people away, then don't say it.

Side Note: Relationship expert John Gottman recommends a ratio of at least 5 positive interactions to every negative. People will receive what you say positively when the relationship has substantially more positive interactions than negative. I once had a very encouraging boss named Gordon Rogers. Every day, he pointed out something I was doing right. He could tell me anything, and I would receive it.

4. Get Thick Skin

Stop taking everything personally. What people say often reveals more about them than it does about you. You grow when you're not defensive. I try to do something every day where I could get rejected to remind myself that my value doesn't come from other people's opinions of me. It doesn't matter what people think of me when I like myself.

“You can’t let praise or criticism get to you. It’s a weakness to get caught up in either one.”

— John Wooden

5. Figure Yourself Out

There are reasons you're critical rather than encouraging. There are reasons why you're afraid of being hurt by others, and you need to figure them out. Talk to a therapist or life coach. Deal with your past. You were made for connection, and your life will suck without it.

Related Content

10 Ways to Encourage People You Care About by Adam Gragg

How to Be Grateful When Life Is Hard by Adam Gragg

25 Connection Hacks to Build Closer Relationships by Adam Gragg

Overcoming the Fear of Rejection by Adam Gragg